It has been a busy couple months in the old Toyota (so old, it is pre-recall era), which makes it an opportune time to have a little fun with the blog.
So here goes, Dante's Inferno revisited: what the nine circles of politico hell would look like if hell was Florida's highways, destinations and airports. As I've visited all 67 counties in the last couple years, most many times, I feel like I am pretty well suited to make these calls.
Sometime in the near future, I'll hit the various spheres of Florida's road warrior Paradisio. Hint: Tampa Airport.
I hope my fellow political road warriors will weigh in with their thoughts.
1. Political Conferences at Disney and other "Destination" resorts. Growing up most of my life in Florida, I am a fan of Disney. Nikole and I have been many times and love the place. However, going there for a business is almost unfair. You know you want to have fun and get in the Disney spirit, but you have to put on a suit and tie and play the other role, while everyone else around you is essentially care-free. And if you aren't at Disney, Murphy's Law dictates that your political conference will probably be some place like the Fountainbleau in Miami, where you get to try to hold meetings while watching the surf.
2. Tallahassee. I live here and it is a great place. However, getting to and from this place is often just a tiny bit easier than getting to and from Bismarck, ND (trust me, I know this one). As they say, Tallahassee is just one stop from the world, except that one stop is Atlanta airport (a place Dante definitely dreamed about in writing Inferno), which is the wrong way if you are headed anywhere south. Sure, you can fly direct from Ft. Myers to Germany, which is probably the same connection you will make if you try to get from Ft. Myers to Tallahassee. Oh, and for the pleasure of one-stoping to the world, you will pay about 4 times what it costs if you lived in say, Tampa.
3. Following a school bus on U.S. 1 in the Keys (nominated by Tom Eldon). Going to the Keys for work is a perk of living in Florida, except getting to the Keys tends to take some work, and sometimes that work means following a school bus down Overseas Highway. As Tom Eldon of Schroth, Eldon and Associates suggests, if this happens to you, pull off the road and go fishing for two hours, and by then, the chances are good that you won't catch the bus before you get to Key West. Why isn't this further down the list, you might ask? Well, because its the Keys and how bad could it be?
4. Orlando International Airport. In the Pantheon of big airports, MCO is a pretty good one. Well laid out, clean and easy to get around (just avoid the $5 a gallon gas station nearby). Except when you go through security and you are in a hurry. One day, TSA will find a special method of clearing all those massive tourist shopping bags, but until then, pull up a chair because you will be there for a while.
5. I-10. I've probably driven I-10 at least 400-500 times in my political career. As an interstate, it is uniquely special. On a road where driving 70mph could be considered cruel and unusual punishment, expect to find about 75 state troopers every mile. How many times have you been on I-10, say passing Madison going towards Jacksonville, then feel like you drive for 2-3 days, only to realize you are just getting to Live Oak? You know who has never driven I-10? Cell phone companies.
6. US 19 from St. Pete to Weekee Wachee. I like Pinellas County a whole lot. I am a big fan of St. Petersburg and Pinellas County is without a doubt home to the best grouper sandwich in Florida (Woody's). I've spent so much time there in the last four years that they might make me start paying taxes. In fact, it is one of the few places in Florida that I could see living in one day---as long as I could avoid US 19. US 19 is essentially the spine of Pinellas County, connecting coastal Pasco and Hernando counties with St. Petersburg along a highway that includes 1750 traffic lights, 37 Hooters and more chain restaurants per mile than any place else in Florida, except maybe US 192.
7. I-4. Tampa to Orlando. I-4 is Florida's Box of Chocolates, you never know what you are going to get. Sometimes you leave downtown Orlando at 10:00 AM and find yourself in downtown Tampa a few minutes after 11. Sometimes you leave downtown Orlando at 10:00 AM and find yourself in downtown Tampa a few minutes after 11---a week or two later. On behalf of everyone who has spent most of an afternoon in a rain storm on I-4, thank you President Obama for high speed rail.
8. I-95 from Ft. Lauderdale to Miami. For most of the length of I-95, the driving is pleasurable, as long as your idea of pleasurable is bump drafting at Daytona. But once you get to Ft. Lauderdale, it turns into a real adventure. As one nominator said about the stretch, "it is seven lanes of hell, complete with thousands of drivers who apparently have made peace with God." Hint: pay the toll to use the express lanes in Dade County. At least you will have orange cones to protect you from the melee.
9. The Miami International Airport. Flying into Miami isn't all that bad, assuming you can figure out how to get to the expressway from the sand lot behind the abandoned industrial complex--also known as rental car row. Leaving Miami on a regional jet? Good luck. First you have to navigate the parking lot known as Dolphin Expressway just to get there, then find your rental car return location, ride the bus to the airport, stand in line for TSA, walk halfway around the world to your gate, get on a bus to ride well out into the tarmac, get off bus and hope it isn't raining, then board your plane.
Near misses: Love/Hate relationship with Panera Bread, Continental's prop planes, Atlanta International Airport, the Sawgrass Mills Mall.